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10 September 2004 @ 09:18 pm
Random musings (warning: introspective and unorganized)  
Oh, my. I've only three weekends of Faire left. Six more opportunities to get the kiddies to join Robin's Band. Six more fights with milfsrus. Six more ''Ball" verses; ditto for "Caviar." Twelve more jousts.

Man... TWELVE more jousts. If I don't do the show again, that's it. Funny - until I typed it out, I don't think I realized how much that has come to mean to me. Or, rather, how much it has come to define me. I'm a jouster. More than that, I'm a woman who jousts. There are not so many of us out there. So... if this is it, if I don't return to the Faire for whatever reason, I know that this will change my own perception of who I am. This is no little bit strange, because when I'm out on the field, I really don't hear the cheers, not fully. Too, the audience tends to respond differently to a woman. Ren crowds tend to be all about the pretty boys (and that's fine!). It is only this year that I've noticed a more marked reaction to my presence on the joust field. It's heady stuff.

I used to think of myself primarily as a decent actress, as a pretty good writer. I still do, somewhere in the background. Now, I'm a rather good swordfighter and a fine jouster (if I may say so). Once I cease those activities... who am I?

I love that I've had the chance to learn these things, to become proficient at them. I've had the chance to be a hero. I've been able to live out childhood dreams. I have saved the day. I have, in turn, been saved. I've been swept off my feet. I've been called beautiful. I've been called brave. And smart. And tough.

Maybe I just want to know that it won't all vanish. Selfish Kel! Selfish and spoiled by such positive experience.

Meh. I need to shove this aside for the time being. I've six more days to be a hero. Six more days to be someone I admire, that I can be proud of. And I've twelve more opportunities to meet my teammates on the list.

I will NOT pull my shield. I will NOT let my targeting go lax. I will NOT let my horse fade from the rail going toward stage left.

And if I do any of those things, I'll hold on to the fact that for twelve more shows I am a fine jouster, and - in the immortal words of JT when viewing another female jouster of late - "you would have smoked that chubby wench."
I feel: contemplativecontemplative
Nim: swordwomannimue9 on September 10th, 2004 07:15 pm (UTC)
This might sound incredibly Hollywood-epic-schmaltzy, but just because you might not joust again next season doesn't wipe out everything that jousting has made you. And there are ways and ways to keep fighting - I called Swordplay yesterday, by the way, and left them my e-mail address for their mailing list.

Keep on being beautiful, brave, smart, and tough...and watch out for those loose threads on your clothing. ;-)
Jobs, baby, Jobs!picoland on September 11th, 2004 05:31 am (UTC)
Used to think?

c'mon Kel, you still rock the shire, you know that.
Adrienne C.adrienne429 on September 11th, 2004 07:04 pm (UTC)
Just think,
Whatever you decide about returning for next season, just think of all you've accomplished. As you wrote, you were able to live out childhood dreams. Wasn't that a blast? What great memories you'll have of all those years! How many people can say that? I'm not going to say you were lucky, because I'm sure you worked so very hard to get to this point.
Savor the weekends you have left.

(Humm, I still have my fingers cross that you'll return for just one more.)
Ilena Ayalanetsearcher on September 12th, 2004 01:47 pm (UTC)
I used to think of myself primarily as a decent actress, as a pretty good writer. I still do, somewhere in the background. Now, I'm a rather good swordfighter and a fine jouster (if I may say so). Once I cease those activities... who am I?

I understand the desire to "label" oneself with some primary 'this is what I do'/am' definition, however...

What and who we are is continually shaped by the sum of our life's experiences. If you don't return to the role - or to faire at all - you will still be *you*. You will continue to grow as a person, and what you've done as Marion will still be part of who you are.

Don't think that you need to be Marion (or any other character) to be a hero. Ordinary people are heros too, in many ways, and sometimes they don't even realize the difference their words or actions make in the lives of others who are touched by them.

You don't have six more days to be a hero Kel. You have your whole *life*. :)
Kendallmilfsrus on September 12th, 2004 07:43 pm (UTC)
I know what it is you are feeling. Unfortunately I didn't have the adjustment time, it all just happened. One thing I learned is that , if we hold on to every aspect of who we are, then we will not lose ourselves. There may come a point in time when what we are changes. And oh God there are some changes, but we have to hold on to the glimmer that is our inner self. YOu will always be a jouster. It has become part of you. There are some things that we learn that will never leave us. It's just down the road, how we choose to channel it.
And you will always be a hero, cause for every little girl that has seen you and picked up a sword, you accomplishments will live.
ptimonyptimony on September 12th, 2004 07:54 pm (UTC)
Kel, I've always said that the best part of a show is looking back on it.