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05 January 2009 @ 12:06 am
Thank you so very much to everyone who has sent their love and hugs, blessings and prayers and comforting words. Again, I'll put this under a cut since I'm writing this up for my own very poor memory's sake. As if six months from now I won't remember how she loved to dive into shopping bags and rip her way out like a Ridley Scott alien. Or that she was mad keen on 'helping' me make the bed, burrowing under the sheets and holding very still until I pounced my hands upon her. Or how she disdained the foofy feather toy I bought, but loved the plain old stick end of it. How she and Esme raced around, chasing each other, instant friends. That she had a biting problem, and when I tried to break her of it, she merely licked the deterrent - full strength Tabasco sauce - off of my finger tips.

I'm trying to wrap my brain around the fact that, twelve hours from now, Zee won't be a part of my daily life. There's something fundamentally wrong about that.

Today was quiet, and less given to bouts of weeping. Honestly, I'm drained; if that masquerades as peace and acceptance, woo-freakin'-hoo. Anyway, Zinda slept most of the day. I trickled a bit of water into her mouth with the dropper I ought to have been using to give her her antibiotic (to which, by the bye, I said sod it. it was making her miserable to have cherry flavored goo squirted down her throat, and really - one more day's dosage wasn't going to do a thing. Don made the same decision with her eye drops). About ten o'clock this evening, she got down from the bed and walked, slowly but with great dignity, to the bathroom. We rushed to turn the tub faucet on. She drank, slowly, for a full ten minutes or so, and then came back out into the living room to avail herself of the scratching pad. The rest of the evening was spent curled up on the couch next to Don, her favorite person in all the world. She even roused herself when I fed the other kitties. When I saw her approaching the kitchen, I hastily threw a handful of food into a bowl for her. Now, she can't eat any more. She just... can't. Yet she sat there with her kitty sisters and nosed the food around her bowl because that what she's done nearly every day of her life. As I watched her, I thought she will never be there for dinner again.

And that, my friends, is what booted exhausted serenity out the window. I utterly lost it. Now I'm tired and bleary-eyed and my nose is runny. Zee's back on the bed. I expect she'll sleep with us tonight.

p.s. Don seldom checks LJ, so I think I'm safe in telling this story. Now, I've mentioned how Zinda is HIS kitty, and he is HER person. She loves him completely. Whenever he comes near her, he can say, "mrwor?" and she's up, back curved, tail raised, meowing back at him. Even now, weak as she is, she does her best. She used to wait on the bathroom counter for him to finish his shower each morning. She loved climbing up on his shoulder. So. I had to teach this morning, but when I got home, Don was waiting for me. "I sort of broke down this morning," he confided. He'd gone in to see the wee thing. She was asleep, her tiny frame curled into a ball on my fleece bathrobe. "I cried for about twenty minutes." As I hugged him, he added, "But they were manly tears." I &hearts my husband so very, very much.

I'm not disabling comments, but please don't feel you need to respond. You've all been fantastic and lovely and warm and wonderful, and I appreciate every speck of good feeling for Zee as well as for Don and myself.
Zoë Tzoethor on January 5th, 2009 06:08 am (UTC)
You are an amazing woman and clearly have found an amazing man, and Zinda is an amazing kitty who is very lucky to have you both in her life. And, of course, you to have her in yours.

PS - you made me cry again. *love and hugs* I wish I could be there to offer more support!
tari3: [SatC] Friendstari3 on January 5th, 2009 06:43 am (UTC)
*major hugs*

I'm so sorry to hear about Zinda. When I had to put my cat, Tippy, to sleep last summer, it was devastating. Animals become part of the family and it's just heartbreaking when you have to put them to sleep so they won't suffer.

I'll be thinking of you all day Monday. *hugs*
onionhead bass fiddle: Cuddling Catsmuddyroad on January 5th, 2009 07:38 am (UTC)
:: huge hugs ::

You both sound like wonderful people, and Zinda sounds like a lovely kitty.

I'm so sorry.

Miranda: skymirmie on January 5th, 2009 07:41 am (UTC)
*so many hugs* I can't think of anything else to say, but don't want to say nothing at all.
Dark Angel: Kimeuph0ra on January 5th, 2009 09:10 am (UTC)
I am sobbing right along with you. It made me go back and read my own post about the day we lost our cat Noir.

I totally understand what you're going through. I'm going to hug my kitties now.

My thoughts have truly been with you this whole weekend and my heart goes out to you. If I can help in any way it is there for the asking.
Entropy: StayPuft Marshmallow Mani_am_entropy on January 5th, 2009 12:01 pm (UTC)
**huge hugs**

kitmfkitmf on January 5th, 2009 02:33 pm (UTC)
He's a keeper.

I am so sorry for your pain, and happy you had the years she spent with you.
Nimnimue9 on January 5th, 2009 03:08 pm (UTC)
Kel (and Don and kitty), I'm so sorry to hear. With the arrival of our porch-kitten, I'm just starting to understand what Tammy wrote in Squire, about how we open ourselves to heartbreak by loving these little shorter-lived creatures because our lives would be so much emptier without them. It sounds like Zee really filled out yours, and you guys gave her a wonderful life, too. There's no way to make this time not suck, but it's a great cat who waits for a man while he *showers,* you know? All my love, and next time coax the kitten out from under the table, I'll give him some extra skritchies for you guys.
Angelosomnamscream on January 5th, 2009 03:14 pm (UTC)
I thought of you both all night last night, hoping that yesterday's sunshine smiled on you all and gave you a good day.

So much love and hugs to all three of you and I am glad you had a love filled day. I'll be thinking of you all.
albinomare: Vastnessalbinomare on January 5th, 2009 10:08 pm (UTC)
Tears, hugs, and love.
Mairearanturas on January 5th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC)
More ::hugs:: for you and your manly husband.
Chad Dylan Cooper just stole my yogurt!: Shoebox: kissfaded_lilac on January 6th, 2009 02:05 am (UTC)
I am just so sorry about this. *hugs* to all of you.
Adrienne C.adrienne429 on January 6th, 2009 02:18 am (UTC)
Those memories that you think will be forgotten will come back to you. You just need enough time to pass.

Sending hugs and love to you both.
BlueberryEmily: babyblueberryshero on January 6th, 2009 06:27 am (UTC)
*cries and hugs*