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20 June 2003 @ 12:18 am
Rumblings and Grumblings and Ramblings  
It's one of those nights. Mostly lovely, if truth be told, as the rain falls steadily and a soft, cool breeze sets the lace curtains to dancing. This is the kind of night I used to embrace. Of such a night I would pick up pen and paper and write for hours. At all times, it seemed I had stories milling about at the edges of my awareness and only needed a moment of repose to bring them forward, demanding to be told. I used to feel so alive, so creative, bright, smart, special. Now? I just feel... tired. Dull. Old.

What happened to me? I used to really like myself. I used to be proud to be me. I used to be so certain that I could achieve anything. I felt a bright magic threading its way through each moment. Now, I doubt my purpose, my very existence, on a daily - sometimes hourly - basis. I feel as if I've wasted so much time and I can never get that back. I want that spark, that certainty that I used to have. I want to stay up late because I simply can not bear not to finish a specific scene. In the past couple of days, I've reread a lot of what I wrote during that time. Most of it was utter dren - an ill-concealed longing for someone to care for me in a mimicry of the 'voices' of authors I admired. Some of it was decent. An even smaller portion was actually good. Doesn't matter, really. The point is I wrote. A lot. And I was happy.

ugh. I have no right to whinge so. I have a husband who (Goddess alone knows why!) adores me. He sees me as beautiful and talented and just can't understand why I don't see that same Kelly. I have a pretty amazing opportunity to do something I love in the summer, and during the rest of the year I get to work with books and/or dress up in pirate clothes and travel and sing. Despite my psoriasis, I am mostly healthy. I should be so very thankful - and sometimes I am. It's the other times that I just want to weep and wail and find a way to bring the magic back. I want to matter. I want to be special and talented and accomplished and find a way to make this world better.

It aches. My very heart aches. I want to weep. I hate this so.
I hear: "Always" October Project
Bird on a Wingcaragana_leaves on June 19th, 2003 10:20 pm (UTC)
*shakes Kelly*
I love you, Kelly and I wish, I wish, I WISH I could get you to see what I see! And what Radish sees!
We adore you.
I, for one, see you as somebody who loves unconditionally and who imagines brilliantly and who is such a huge support to me. Talking to you clears the cobwebs out of my head and helps me see the world in a better light.
Putting together that parcel I sent you was one of the funnest things I've ever done, and getting the one you sent me was simply lovely.
And the music! A dull person would NOT love that music.
Oh, sister of my heart... I wish I could shake some sense into you! But until then, just know that I love you and trust that I know what I'm talking about!
Always here if you want to vent/talk/babble/swoon about LOTR guys ect...